Writing Calisthenics

AvatarA collection of short stories, essays, and exercises to keep my brain from rusting between larger works.

Dear Mr. Business Owner

Dear Local Business Owner,
  You don't know me, so let me introduce myself.  I am a vengeful sonuvabitch.  I am asking you as politely as I can to please not tuck your flyer under my windshield wiper or rubber-band it to my front door so I have to put down my grocery bags to get in my house.  I am asking you to please not put your flyer in a plastic baggie with a rock in it so it gets stuck in my tire when I drive over it, or tape your fake hundred-dollar bill coupon to my mailbox flag. 
   If you do, I will read it and I will remember your name.  I will remember your name and I will tell all of my neighbors that when you came to give me an estimate for my mulch I caught you taking a steaming dump behind my Hydrangea bushes.  I will tell my friends that not only was the job you did resealing my driveway sub-par, but the unspeakable things I caught you doing to my cat made her walk with a limp for three weeks.  I will tell them that part of your garbage disposal repair regimen included licking the the pipe joints clean to "ensure a good seal" and that when you left, we discovered that all of my wife's dirty underwear were missing from the hamper.
  I apologize in advance for my behavior, but this whole situation can be easily avoided: don't use my house as your dumping ground, and I won't use your reputation as mine.




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